Friday, April 1, 2011

Charlie Sheen to Star in Remake of "Interview With the Vampire"

In yet another twist in the ongoing train wreck that is Charlie Sheen, it was announced today that the former "Two and a Half Men" actor will star in a remake of the Anne Rice classic Interview With the Vampire. Initial reports are that Quentin Tarentino will direct.

"I think it's time the story got a fresh telling," Tarentino told Eye on Hollywood magazine. "It's been exactly 35 years since the book was first published, and almost 20 years since the original film came out, and that was way before vampires became cool. Of course, if you want a timeless vampire flick, you should check out From Dusk Till Dawn."

Sheen was even more direct, as usual.

"Let's face it," he said via video conference, "Tom Cruise is no vampire, at least not a manly, Adonis DNA-having vampire. Hell, the guy's a nut...he jumps on couches, worships L. Ron Hubbard, stuff like that. With me in the lead, everybody's winning. And the goddesses are going to play my vampire wives."

When asked about reports that he wanted to rename the film Interview With the Warlock, Sheen simply shrugged.

"I think it would be a better film if the character was a warlock. But vampires are cool, too. Not those Twilight vampires, but the real ones. The ones that move through the night like Vatican ninja assassins."

"Besides," he continued, "it's being directed and written by the genius Oliver Stone. We all know was his pen and his vision that exposed the truth that Gary Oldman killed JFK."

When informed that Quentin Tarentino, not Oliver Stone, was set to write and direct, Sheen replied: "Whatever. If they want me in it, it's a smash. If they don't, it's a turd that opens on a tugboat." He then abruptly ended the interview.

A reporter from the Transylvania (PA) Examiner-Express saw fit to contact Interview With the Vampire author Anne Rice to get her take on this new film version of her classic novel. The former Wiccan turned born-again Christian author offered this terse response:

"Today is April 1st, right? So this has to be an April Fools' gag, doesn't it?"

And she's right of course, on both counts.

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